Copyright Feb 2019 Scott Talbot Evans, All Rights Reserved



Thank God, my father Gene and mother Mimi, fiancee Liesl Gaesser, sisters Stacy and Shannon, Leah Guidry, Kerin Gould, Jennifer Rusin White, inventor of the Boss Man Bucket Lorenzo DiSalvo, Ed Roselene, Donald Stafford, Nicki J. Markus, Jay Anderson, Nikhil Singh Rathau, MirceaC, Nikita, Jenn(Ljhfike), Frankie Stein, Stuart Aken, John Ciarmello, Emma(Howls Moving Library), Orlando Buenos Diaz,  Edie & Larry, Rebecca Thorne, Gerald Lebowitz, Jojo Hughes(Babydolls and Razorblades)



Chapter 1: The Idiot In The Dungeon

Chapter 2: The Switch In Back Of Your Head

Chapter 3: Everything is Okay

Chapter 4: Reasons To Be Happy

Chapter 5: The Fine Art of Doing Nothing

Chapter 6: Fooling Yourself For Fun And Profit

Chapter 7: Making Decisions

Chapter 8: How To Think

Chapter 9: How To Not Think

Chapter 10: The Power of Small

Chapter 11: Stop Being An Idiot

Chapter 12: Dealing With Jerks   

Chapter 13: The Magic Wands

Chapter 14: Don’t Take Two Aspirin, And Don’t Call Me In The Morning

Chapter 15: Eat Me

Chapter 16: The Joy Of Sorting





Chapter 1: The Idiot In The Dungeon



A long time ago, a king’s carriage passed through a village. Poor farmers gathered on the dirt road. Among them was the man known as The Village Idiot, because in those days they didn’t know about psychiatry or political correctness.   

He had a mental disorder which rendered him unable to speak or do useful work. All he ever did was grin and snicker all day long, for no apparent reason.

But he was basically harmless, and they would toss him scraps of food.

   When the jewel encrusted carriage strutted by, the peasants bowed or stood at attention. The only sound was the clopping of hooves through mud, and the idiot laughing hysterically.

The monarch bellowed, “This is the greatest insult in history. Arrest him!!” Which the guards did at once.

The king’s adviser said, “He is but a simpleton, who knows not where he is, or what he does.”

The king roared, “Then he won’t mind the dungeon. Throw him in right now!”

They dragged him away, and he giggled the whole way. No one ever did figure out what he thought was so darn funny.

The guards chained him to a wall in a dark cellar among many prisoners. The place was terrible, and everyone was extremely miserable.

Except for the idiot, who, to the annoyance of the others, laughed his head off, day and night.


Be that idiot.


It doesn’t matter how much life sucks.


Emotion happens inside our brain.

No outside event can make us feel anything. No possession, no accomplishment, no other person.

What about the smile of an innocent child?

Lies. All lies!

Not even this book can make you happy. (I told you it was garbage!)

Nothing can make you happy.

Well that sucks.

The good news is:



Only you can make you happy.

And you can make yourself happy any time you want.

Events don’t matter. Your reaction to them does.

 Did your car break down in the middle of nowhere, and you have to walk three miles to the nearest gas station? Does it start to rain, and you’re totally soaked. Just when you think life can’t get worse, the sole of your shoe breaks, and now flaps pathetically with every slosh through mud.  

You feel cursed, and lost the will to live.

Then the absurdity of it all hits, and you just don’t care anymore, and break out laughing.

For one brief moment, you feel good.

The situation didn’t change. Your mind did.

Zen masters are so in control of their minds, that if you set them on fire, they sit there in lotus position, with a big smile on their face.

That’s really cosmic, but if I’m on fire, I’m not going to just sit there, grinning like Gomer Pyle.

Yes bad things will happen. But you can pull the dog off your leg, and you can get over it.

I don’t claim to be at that level. If I was on fire, I would scream and roll around in an embarrassing display.

But practicing these techniques has taken me from miserable bastard to happy bastard.  

And it was easy, and didn’t cost any money.

Happiness is a feeling.  

Thoughts have to be logical. Feelings don’t.

Happiness doesn’t have to make sense. It isn’t constrained by the laws of physics. There’s nothing to figure out. You don’t have to be smart.



And you don’t need anyone’s permission, except your own.

In fact, you don’t have to do anything.

You can just be happy.

If you can be depressed for no reason, you can be happy for no reason.

Wait. You can do that?


Chapter 2: The Switch In Back Of Your Head  


Imagine two doors. Not MEN and WOMEN. These are marked HAPPY and UNHAPPY.

The rules are simple. If you go through the HAPPY door, you will be happy. If you go through the UNHAPPY door, you will be unhappy.

Which do you choose?

This is not a trick question. It’s not an episode of The Twilight Zone, where you choose HAPPY, but end up in hell.  

Which do you walk through?

Of course you choose Happy. Happy is way better than unhappy. I don’t even need to explain this. So we can agree to choose happy. Good.

But life isn’t that simple. You can’t just walk through a door, and be happy.

Oh, but you can.

Actually it’s not a door. It’s a switch, with two positions.

You probably never noticed this before, but in the back of your head is a small switch. The up position is happy. The down position is unhappy.   


Isn’t that better?

It’s not that easy.

But it is.

Be happy, stupid!

Happiness is a choice you can make at any time. You decide to be happy, and then you do it.

It’s that simple.

It might not seem that way because we have a deeply ingrained habit of being unhappy, so long held it feels familiar.

You can create a new habit any time you want.

Say this often: “I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY”

A large portion of our life experience is thoughts.

All day long, we talk to ourselves.

Anything can be looked at one of two ways:

You can look at the bright side,

Or you can look at the dark side.

Everything has a bright side and a dark side.

Planets have a bright side and the dark side.

At one location, it is day. Move to the other side of the globe, it is night.

The angle from which you view changes everything.

When you see an expensive car, do you think, “Mine is a broken down piece of crap,” and feel bad?

Or do you say, “I don’t have to own it to enjoy looking at it,” and feel good?

One thought leads to another, which leads to another– often building momentum.

“The phone is working too slow.”

“It’s irritating me.”

“I wish I could afford a better one.”

“I’m trapped in a dead end career.”

“My life is a nightmare.”

What began small, our mind escalated into The End of The World.   

Think about it differently:  

“My happiness is more important than a stupid phone connection.”

“It doesn’t matter if it takes a few minutes longer.”

“I can laugh about how crappy my phone is.”

“Maybe it’s time to get a new phone.”

So you get a new phone, and find out how much faster it is, and can’t believe you suffered for so long with that old one.

What kept you trapped was your mental train of thought.

We hold on to beliefs so strongly, we stop questioning them.

The belief, “I need to work hard,” can be taken too far. You burn yourself out in a dead end job.

What helps is a change of mind: “I need to look for a better job.”

Our minds get stuck in ruts.

If what you’re telling yourself empowers you, then great.

But if it’s making you sad, rethink it.

“I’m sad, because I wish I was rich and famous.”

Sure, a fancy title and 100 room mansion seem great. But the thrill wears off, after 20 or 30 years. You don’t think about all the hard work that goes into it. You don’t think about all the phonies who like you for your money. You don’t think about how lonely it is, when you can only be in 1 room at a time.   

The fantasy is a lie, so why feel bad?

“Positivity is lame.”

Don’t do that. Don’t block it out.

Negative Nellie will say that positivity is stupid. Don’t believe that lying bitch for one second. She’s the one who’s been ruining your life. She’s the jerk who’s been sneaking into your room at night, and killing your joy.

You need to kick her ass to the curb.

Negative thoughts make you unhappy.

Positive thoughts make you happy.

The more you think negative, the more things will seem negative, and the worse things will keep getting, growing exponentially, all the way to Hell.

But at any time you can also think positive thoughts, and they too will snowball, to Heaven.

Thoughts grows when you feed into them by believing them, repeating it, and reacting them.

If a negative thought comes into your head, such as “That will never work.” Don’t buy into it. Say, “No. I’m going to give it a chance.”

If you’re ever going to be happy, you’re gonna have to stop listening to that jerk.

Negative thoughts will creep in from time to time. Don’t listen. Hit the delete button.

They might come back. That’s okay. Hit it again. Erase them.

She wants to keep you miserable.


FBI Most Wanted

Negative Nellie

Wanted for the murder of Joy


Joy was a hell of a fun gal!

But she’s not dead. She will start to recover the second we take the pillow off her face, and stop suffocating her.

How did we get so negative? We didn’t start out that way. We thought we were doing good. We trained ourselves to work hard.

We got carried away.

We become skeptical. Anything that sounds too good, must not be true.  

“Positive thinking is for arts fartsy nuts who worship crystals and veganism.  The kind of people who are always smiling and giggling all the time for no good reason.”

You mean happy?

If you want to learn how to be happy, study a person who is happy.

“Life sucks.”

There you go again. Boy, you are good at being unhappy. It’s almost as if you are actively working at being unhappy.

Oh wait. That’s exactly what you’re doing.

Imagine if that same energy were put into being happy.

You’d be the happiest person in the world.




If you can’t find a reason, make one up.

We’re so good a thinking negative, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

It’s a huge barrier.

But it only exists, if you think it exists.

If you don’t, then it doesn’t.

Just the flick the switch.

“I can be happy.”

Flick it right now.

“I am happy.”

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

The First Law of Positivity


Think good, and it will be good.

In all situations, find a way to be happy, especially bad ones.

You are always better off with a positive attitude.   

Use the power tool of positivity all the time.

Many philosophies talk about positivity. They describe it different ways, but it’s all the same.  Everyone is saying the same thing, because it works, and it’s that important.

A positive attitude makes you feel better instantly.

And it makes you win, instantly.  

That’s a pretty strong claim.

And it’s 100% true!

Let’s say you get a notice from your landlord saying they’re going to inspect your apartment.

The negative way to see it:  This is an invasion of privacy. He’s looking for a reason to evict me. I won’t answer the door. This makes you feel anxious, angry, and unhappy.

The positive way to look at it: The landlord is just doing his job. He didn’t say anything was wrong. I will talk to him, and find out what he wants. This feels better.

It also produces a better outcome.  

With a positive approach you find out the inspection only took a minute, and everything is fine.

With negativity you might end up saying something nasty, and getting evicted for real.  

Negative = you lose.

Positive = you win.

Practice positivity, and be happy.

When an accidents happens, be glad you weren’t injured.

When a disaster occurs, be grateful for all the first responders, and all the helpers.

If a negative thought pops in your head, let it go in one ear and out the other.

Don’t believe it.

Don’t repeat it.

Don’t buy into it.

Bad situations are when you benefit from positive thinking the most.

There is always a positive way to look at things.

You only have to look for it.

Positivity can turn any negative into a positive.

So when should you be negative?


Never not don’t be negative.

Good thoughts empower you, and feel good.

If a thought discourages you, makes you angry or sad, replace it.

When you get fired, say, “Good! This is just the motivation I needed to find a better job.”

When someone dies from a horrible disease, say, “Good! His suffering is over.

When life poops all over you, say, “Hey, free manure!”


From Hell with love

It must be great being so positive all the time. I must be some kind of guru.

Not at all. In fact, the exact opposite. I was so good at negative thinking I was an Olympic champion. I was so consumed, my life was a living hell. I would roam the streets yelling obscenities.

The voice in my head was incessant.

“My life sucks.”

“I’m a worthless piece of garbage.”

“I’m fat and disgusting.”

“Everyone hates me.”

When you keep thinking this way, it spirals deeper and deeper into a bottomless pit of despair.

Thank God I eventually learned that I was the source of the problem.

Tell yourself positive things

I used to tell myself a hundred times a day, “I need to lose 20 pounds. I need to get a degree. I need to make a million dollars. Then I’ll be okay.”

Now I say,



I don’t need to do anything to be okay. I don’t need to change anything. I can be happy right now.


You need this solid base from which to conquer the world.

If you reach too far, you put yourself off balance.

You are okay right now. You are good enough right now.



People who complain are never happy.

When you start getting upset about something, say: “It’s no big deal.”

Now list some reasons why it’s no big deal.

They’re there. And once you list them, you’ll feel better.


Choose your brainwashing carefully  

I used to watch horror movies. I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I was doing was putting bad thoughts in my head. Now it seems kinda obvious.

List all the shows/books/people you expose yourself to regularly. What kind of messages are they feeding you?

If you watch crime shows, you’ll think about crime. If you watch romances, you’ll think about romance.

If you watch language tutorials, you’ll learn Chinese.

If you watch math lessons, you’ll learn math.

Put in ideas that educate and motivate you.

If you want to be successful, expose yourself to successful people.


What Really Pisses Me Off Is Anger

Anger is another bad habit of thought, even worse.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re eating in a restaurant, and the waiter sprays cleaning solution on the table next to you, and you can smell the strong chemical odor of lemons or pine tree.  Is it just me or is that kind of disturbing to your meal?

This used to really bother me a lot. If I even spotted someone with a spray bottle, even if they weren’t coming near me, it would get my mind rolling, and upset me.

 It would really bend me out of shape badly.

I felt like shouting, “Don’t spray that shit on me!”But that would only create a scene, and feel worse.

“They’re doing it on purpose, just to be dicks.”

I could say, “Excuse me, please don’t do that.” But why do I even have to do that?  This is a restaurant. Are they that stupid? What the fuck is wrong with these inconsiderate fucks?”

But it’s better to be responsible for my own happiness.  I can cover my face and my food. I can put a note in the store’s suggestion box. But I won’t get mad.

Noises used to bother me the same way, to the point of mental breakdown.  I would hear a dog outside barking, and wish it would stop. “Why don’t those people let their dog in?  Maybe I should call Animal Protection.”

I would makes myself madder and madder.

Eventually I learned not to do that. When I hear a dog bark, I say to myself, “It’s okay. He’s not intentionally trying to irritate me.  Dogs just like to bark. It’s their way of talking.”

Slamming car doors, people talking loud or blasting stereos, none of it bothers me anymore, because I don’t pay attention.

It works so well, that when a major building construction project went on for years, right next door to my house, I didn’t even notice the jackhammers, rock grinders, and back hoes making deafening noise all day long.

I was like one of those zen monk on fire, perfectly happy.